


Jackass Jesus and the Forty Whores

by DigitalInfamy



Series: Jackass Jesus [3]
Category: Christian Bible, Christian Bible (New Testament)
Genre: Action, Alternate Universe, Gen, Humor, Kung Fu, Parody, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 08:53:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7633855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalInfamy/pseuds/DigitalInfamy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jackass Jesus and his disciples decided to take a break in a small town and visit the local brothel. Unfortunately, it wasn't what Jesus was expecting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jackass Jesus and the Forty Whores

Hi. I’m Jesus-Fucking-Christ.

Saviour of the world, Son of God. Practically a sex god…

And I’m in a very bad position right now.

I’m backed into a corner, surrounded by forty or so fat, stinking ugly whores, all with hands outstretched like claws and lust blazing in their eyes. All of them look at least over sixty years of age… and that’s a very generous estimate in their favour.

Now you’re probably wondering how the hell did I get here. Well, I was on a trip with my twelve trusty apostles, on the way to Jerusalem to deliver the “Good News”, as you should know if you bothered to read your Bibles, and I stop by a small town for a rest.

Preaching is hard work after all, harder than most people think. You see, it’s not too easy to convince stubborn assholes that my father, God, is what they need in their life. After all, he is quite the mega-prick when he’s pissed, so he needs me to put a friendly face on the whole Christianity project and save all of humanity by spreading the message of me, Jesus Christ, and my place in humanity’s salvation.

I won’t spend too much time on the details, since you probably know already, but basically the message I’m trying to get across to people is that they need to accept me as their Lord and Saviour, and then magic and shit happens and they get a ticket into heaven. Of course, convincing them is the hard part, since they’re all jacked up on other shittier religions that don’t have anyone as awesome as me representing them.

Why don’t these people grow a fucking brain and follow me? I’m fucking awesome you know.

But I digress. Back to the town…

I notice that this town has a brothel nearby, so being the classy gentleman that I am, I decide to reward myself and company.

It turns out that it was a very bad idea to put it mildly.

You see, in a small town such as this one, young people usually leave for the larger towns to find work, wives, wine, and other shit that matters, leaving all the ugly old fucks back here to die.

Of course, that also meant that the local brothel has lots of ugly old fucks too. Ugly, _horny_ old fucks.

Said ugly, horny old fuckers have me backed into a corner, and all my lovely disciples locked away in some room, out of sight, with another group of equally ugly, horny old fuckers.

Only my father knows what is happening to them right now… and he isn’t telling me shit. I’m left to deal with this clusterfuck myself.

To be fair, I did get myself into this, so it’s only fair that I get my way out of it. I am the messiah after all. This shouldn’t be too much of a problem. After all, I’m practically God. Also, these poor fucks still have yet to hear my Good News.

Flashing my best messiah smile, I push myself back from the corner that I’d been leaning against and began speaking to the crowd. “Everyone. All of you need to hear the good news of the messiah…”

“Screw your good news. We want your good, hard cock!” One of them shouted. I believe her name was Bertie, based on what the others said.

“I have a good cock, but it isn’t hard, so go fuck yourself and listen.”

“No, _we’ll_ make it hard, and we’ll fuck _you_.” That was Ada, I believe. She’s like the second in command of these ugly fucks, based on the fact that she’s the second ugliest of the bunch with the second loudest mouth. Also, I’m sort of omniscient, which helps plenty.

“Yeah, good luck with that.”

“Oh so confident now, are we. Well just you wait! We have lots of tricks up our sleeves to get you in the mood.”

Well these people are pretty stubborn and deluded. No point arguing with them. Just preach, get the disciples back, and get the hell out of here.

“Fine. Just listen to what I have to say first. You all need the good news...”

Just then, coming from the hallway down to the left side of me, I can hear a raspy old woman yell something. “Let’s take John first. He looks like a good catch, and I’m hungry!” She sounds really fucking old, so old sounding that I don’t even need to see her face to know that she’s probably around Methuselah’s age and one good fuck away from heart failure. Nobody deserves to get fucked up like that. Even I’m not too sure that I could heal that amount of trauma.

And to add to that, they’re planning to fuck over John…

_Oh no, not John!_ He’s my beloved disciple, as it says in the Bible. The others, they can get fucked around by these whores, and I’ll just slap them around and give motivational speeches until they get over it. For John however, I can’t stand the thought of him getting ravished by these wrinkly fuckers. That man is something special.

Hot rage begins to flare up inside me, the heat creeping up my neck and onto my face. I feel like the fires of hell are going to shoot out of my face and fry these whores to a crisp or some dramatic shit like that. Of course, I’m supposed to be the friendly face messiah, so my douche-fuck of a dad didn’t give me that power when he sent me down here. Looks like I’ll have to do this the old fashioned way – with a beat down.

Why is nothing ever easy?

Of course, since I’m technically God, it’s not too hard either. Remember when I said that I’m sort-of omniscient? It’s subject to parental control of course, but right now, I use it to bring up all the kickass moves of every twentieth century kung-fu movie. In less than a second, I internalize all the moves of Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, and all the other stars of the future.

Now I’m ready to kick some wrinkly ass.

Mentally preparing myself, I stand up as straight as I can. Then I sweep out my legs wide and stylishly wave both my arms in a wide circle in front of me, before holding out my open left hand out in front of my right fist in a ready stance.

The lustful glares on the whores in front of me give way to confusion, as they stare at me quizzically. I’ll be wiping that look off their face right about now.

Leaping upward into the air, I tuck up my legs slightly toward my chest, before rolling forward and kicking off the walls behind me, propelling me forward straight into Ada, knocking her and the people behind her over like falling dominoes.

I now have a way out. Standing up, I step onto Ada and run down the improvised ramp of fallen women, leaping past the crowd and landing on the ground behind. Immediately when my feet touch the ground, I turn on my heels and put on my awesome kung-fu combat stance again, though this time, I combine it with my flashy messiah smile. “Anyone still want my cock?”

The whores that are still standing look among one another. Finally, they all look back at me, and the lust reappears in their eyes, strong as ever. Suddenly, they all start running straight at me.

_Shit._

I spin around, delivering a powerful back kick to the first whore that managed to get close enough, instantly knocking the wind out of her and sending her flying back into the oncoming crowd. The force of her charge knocks me backward into a table however, so I make use of the momentum by rolling over the table and kicking it over, sending it tumbling into the remainder of the oncoming crowd.

I back up quick as the first of the horde trip and tumble over the small table, their fat asses smashing it into pieces in the process. However, the rest of them simply climb over and around them and keep coming.

I’ve got to find a way around this lot somehow, so I can get to my disciples. At this rate, I’m simply backing myself toward the front door on the other end of the room. Also, the crowd is beginning to fan out, and soon I could be surrounded again.

The group however, has also thinned out to a little over half of the original amount, with the downed whores struggling to get back up. Now it’s time for the fisticuffs.

I get into my combat stance again, watching as the remaining whores stop in their tracks, hesitating this time.

I stare into their eyes, as they stare back into mine, just like in the classic kung-fu pre-fight staredowns you see in films. It’s pretty awesome if I do say so myself.

Then I decide that it’s time I make the first move. Running straight at them, I leap into the air and spin around, kicking the first three of the crowd in the face that had decided to start running before anybody else. The force sends them spinning backward into the rest of them, causing some of them to trip, while the ones in the back clamber over the fallen bodies to get to me.

When my feet touch the ground again, I waste no time as I jump back toward the fray, delivering three mid-air kicks to the chin of the next dumb whore that had just clambered over the pile of bodies, sending her flying upward and backward. As I’m falling, I grab onto her clothing and hitch a ride, pulling myself up to clamber over the top of her as she soars over the rest of the crowd.

As she clears the heads of the last of them, I plant both my feet into her flabby stomach and kick off her toward the hallway, rolling as I hit the ground, before running as fast as I can towards and down the hall. Behind me, I can hear my flabby ride slam into the ground with a satisfying thump, but I don’t bother to look back and admire it – I need to save my disciples.

There’s a large opening at the end of the hallway, covered by a hanging curtain and I rush toward it, practically ripping it off as a rush inside. Who knows what these fuckers are doing to my sweet, sweet disciples?

I look around to process the scene, my brain still catching up with all the craziness that is happening.

What I see, nearly makes me faint.

All twelve of my disciples, are balls-deep in these horny old fuckers…

And they’re _enjoying_ it.

I see John in the far right corner, bending a particularly wrinkly catch over a low table, while another disgusting old fucker gives him the feel-ups of his backside. He’s moaning and groaning loudly, begging for more while this is happening. This is so wrong on so many levels – it’s like placing a perfectly baked communion loaf of bread between two crusty shrivelled turds. The sight nearly makes me puke.

“One of the disciples nearby, Peter, sees me and decides to invite me to partake in this abomination. “C’mon Jesus, join us.”

Now I lose my cool. “Join you!? What the fuck is wrong with you? They’re fuck ugly!”

Judas pipes up from somewhere on my left. “Well so are you, but we still follow you around.”

The audacity of that statement makes my jaw slacken and shocks me into silence. I’m the fucking messiah! I’m _not_ fuck ugly!

I’m so dumbstruck that I don’t notice that some of the whores have crept up on me until they roughly seize me by the arms and drag me back down the hallway. I’m roughly dumped on a mattress, all four of my limbs pinned down by multiple whores and forcibly undressed.

I see Ada walk over, lustful desires burning on her bruised face. She pushes her way in between some of the others, and kneels down by my side, leaning over to look me in the eyes. “Remember how we said we have ways to get you in the mood? We can work magic too, messiah.”

I try to respond, but simply gag at her stinking breath. She simply smiles at my inability to do anything, before moving down to give my cock some attention.

I tilt my head back and simply close my eyes. I don’t want to see how she is going to violate me. Besides, if I really wanted to know, I could ask my daddy to replay it to me later anyway, not that I’d ever want that image in my head.

I shudder in horror as I feel light tugging and stroking by dry wrinkly fingers, then squirm violently when I feel wet licks and nibbles. This goes on for a while, as I try my best not to pass out from the horror that I’m experiencing. Finally, it stops, as she gives up.

I open my eyes. “Happy now?”

Ada looks disappointed. Actually, calling her disappointed would be generous. She looks fucking pissed. Of course, what did you expect, you old, wrinkly fuck? That I’d want to fuck you?

“Hmm, not in the mood eh? Well, we’ll just have to try a _different_ method.” She turns around to look at something, then smiles. “Bertie, you know what to do.”

Bertie saunters over to my head, holding one of the broken legs of the table that I had used to fend off the oncoming horde early in the fight. She walks around to stand directly over my face, slapping the end of the wooden leg next to my ear.

“This may hurt a little.” She said with a smile. With that, she raises the table leg high over her head and smashes it directly into my forehead, making me see stars before I fade into blackness.

 

* * *

 

I’m sitting on the stairs outside the brothel, back in my torn white robe and bruises all over my body, face and ego. Ahead of me, my disciples are chatting amongst one another, in a sunny mood. I’m too tired to even feel sick at the sight.

John comes over and takes a seat next to me, slapping a hand around my shoulder.

I simply turn to look him in the eye. “John, tell me honestly, what did those whores do to me?”

“Nothing much, actually”

“That’s what you’re all telling me. What did they really do?”

“Well,” John begins racking his brain, probably figuring out the best way to tell me, “I think Ada and Bertie started trying to lick you a little while, but then they gave up and started arguing whether you were worth it or some shit like that.”

That gets my attention. I’m the fucking messiah. How the fuck can I not be “worth it”?

Seeing my quizzical look, John continues. “Well, basically they said you, um… ah…”

“C’mon spit it out.”

“You have a tiny cock.”

“What!” Oh I’m pissed now. Like, fires-of-hell level pissed. The messiah does _not_ have a tiny cock! This indignity cannot stand.

I sit there, silently fuming, the heat creeping up my neck and onto my face. A million thoughts and emotions are racing through my mind, most of them related to fire, brimstone and angry fucking.

“Uh, Jesus, are you okay?” I’d zoned out, and forgotten about John, who’s now looking at me with great worry and concern.

“No, I’m not fucking okay. I need to demonstrate something to these fuckers that think I have a tiny cock.”

I stand up straight and turn around, looking back toward the door of the brothel. After a short pause, I march back up the steps and throw open the door so hard that it almost flies off its hinges. In front of me, are the same forty or so whores, lying on their mattresses. All of them look toward me as I make my dramatic entrance.

Now time for the dramatic announcement. With one smooth movement, I pull off my wrecked robe over my head and toss it aside. “So, who here wants magical messiah cock?”

All forty pairs of eyes look at me eagerly.

 

* * *

 

I walk out of the brothel doors, beyond satisfied at showing up those smug ugly whores.

Small cock my ass. All of them seemed to enjoy the otherworldly fucking that I delivered. No ordinary cock could do that. Only the messiah could.

And the way they spoke about how good my fucking was… well it was heavenly. There is nobody like Jesus Christ the messiah, and it was a good thing that they were now acknowledging that fact. One extra plus mark against me in my mission to bring the greatness of Jesus Christ the saviour of humanity to the masses.

My disciples congregating at the bottom of the steps appear tired now, and the sun is beginning to set. It’s time to go home. I make my way down the stairs toward them, motioning for them to carry on ahead.

About halfway down the steps, I decide to do one last thing. As quietly as I can, I make my way back to the top of the stairs and place my ear against the door. I like good compliments, and I wouldn’t mind hearing one last round about my awesome fucking before I bed down for the night.

Inside, I can hear Ada and Bertie talking and giggling like little kids amongst themselves.

“So Bertie, how did you know that the tiny cock comment would work?”

Bertie barks out a rough laugh. “It always works on young, strapping men with big egos my dear. It’s never failed me.”

On hearing this, once again, hot rage flares up inside me, creeping up my neck and onto my face. Not only did I get violated by these fuckers, they tricked me into fucking them willingly.

I stand up straight, crack my knuckles, and stretch my neck. Then, slowly, I push open the door to the brothel and calmly step inside. I’m not too sure what I’m going to do this time around, but all I know is this: this indignity _cannot_ stand.


End file.
